consider the grackles

“It’s Spring and I’ve been thinking about grackles.”

“Grackles?”

“You know, those big shiny noisy crow-like birds that live around here, that scare the tourists but not enough?”

“Yeah, but what about them?”

“Well, I think that all of sex can be explained by the behavior of these birds. For example–”

“Jamie, I know better than to shut you up right now. So I’m gonna let you keep going.”

“–when two male birds see a potential partner, the males walk up to each other and then stick their beaks up into the air to see which one is taller. When they figure that out, the shorter bird walks away as if nothing happened, and the larger bird is left to flirt with the female.”

“While this is really interesting, I don’t understand exactly how that applies to human sexuality.”

“This has to do with penis size.”

“Things are suddenly coming into stark relief.”

“So over the years I have been given to believe, from sex partners less experienced than yourself, that I am in the upper range of male size. Since meeting you I have learned that this is not true.”

“I’m super sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel badly about your penis. If it makes you feel better, yours is my favorite?”

“I feel surprisingly little angst about this – no, really — simply because I’ve never thought I was extremely big and it always puzzled me to hear it. I think what was actually being said is that my penis ‘hits the right spots.’ And here’s where you can reassure me that I’m actually sitting at least above average.”

“But size just isn’t really that important once you get down to it.”

“So to speak. You’ve convinced me of that, but tell it to the grackles. Or the people who make porn.”

“But porn is for viewing, you know what I mean? The larger something is, the more visually appealing it will be. Supposedly.”

“Given that, there is a whole subset of porn based on the idea of ‘Oh my god that’s too big I can’t do it, oh wait yes I can and I want to keep doing it.’ And guys are susceptible to insecurities about that. …Or are they? I don’t really know that for sure. It’s certainly what the jokes imply.”

“Just saying from my perspective — some of the best lovers I have ever had were honestly kind of …disappointing, on first impression. And many of the more endowed guys were more boring than you would think.”

“You are the most sexually experienced woman I have ever met, so I have every reason to believe you. And I am experienced enough to be comfortable with my endowments and abilities. Although there is a certain satisfaction to watching the occasional — often short waisted — partner crawl away in playful fear. Not to sound creepy. But it is part of the power dynamic.”

“That’s another entire conversation. But this one is about penis size. And we were talking about yours.”

“To summarize, I’m not the biggest a truly experienced woman has ever seen, but I’m often in the ball park, and for less experienced women I’m often the biggest. And that’s okay by me. And I guess this goes back to ‘how does he do that?’  It’s more about how a guy uses what he has.”

“Attractiveness is also a factor. And yours is very, very pretty.”

“Well, that’s like you being told you’re pretty. Thanks, genetics. Maybe we should make a dildo out of my cock. Sell it. Become millionaires.”

“Maybe.  But to summarize for me, being the person currently enjoying your cock, the thing I like most about its size is that it’s large enough for me to feel you very thoroughly, but it’s small enough that when you’re fully inside of me there isn’t any…wasted space between our bodies. Like, with a longer guy, there’s often space between us when he is fully engaged, and that means that I miss out on stimulating skin to skin contact.”

“So thighs, buttocks, pelvis….”

“And to get right down to it, if my clit is hitting your pelvis in a rhythmic fashion over and over again, it’s a lot easier to get to unassisted orgasm, which is always supremely satisfying.”

“Sex is a full-body sport, not just a piston in motion.”

“Exactly. And that’s why penis size is ultimately not that important, and grackles are dumb.”

“I like hearing that more than I care to admit.”